


Floating

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [9]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Datteo, Davenzi, Depression, Fluff, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, Panic Attack, angst & fluff, it's a rollercoaster y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 01:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18840454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: Hanna?” His voice cracked, he hadn’t spoken louder than a whisper in days.“Yeah, Matteo?”“I’m gay.”There was silence. Silence that Matteo wished would crush him. “Oh.”“You can’t tell anyone though, only Hans and Jonas know. It’s my thing to tell, and like, I’m ready but I have to be the one to tell people.”“I won’t, I promise.” Hanna nodded, she had the kindest smile, she had moved closer but didn’t make any moves to touch Matteo.





	Floating

**Author's Note:**

> this part was, so hard to write honestly. there were a lot of directions i could go, i spent the last few days just writing and rewriting major portions of it. i really hope you all enjoy what's about to come

It had been almost a week since Matteo had heard from Adam. He hadn’t emailed him either. It wasn’t that Matteo was trying to respect his space, because the drafts on his email were filled to the brim with possible emails to Adam. All the things he wanted to say, expressing how deeply he had missed him, how much he wanted to see him, to be with him. He didn’t know what else to say or do, he was spiralling. He had slipped back into his bullshit, he hadn’t talked with anyone. Jonas had tried reaching out, Amira came over to study and he completely blew her off. Matteo didn’t want to see anyone or _be seen_ by anyone. He just wanted to hide until he became one with his bed and the world had slipped away.

 

 **Hanna**  
_I’m outside, can you let me in?_

 **Matteo**  
_Can’t someone else let you in?_

 **Hanna** _  
_ _Mia and Hans said you were the only one home right now._   
They’re out getting stuff for the party.

 _  
_ **Matteo** **  
**_Party?_

 **Hanna** _  
_ _Yeah, House of Hans dude_   
You okay?

 

Matteo groaned, unsure of how he had completely forgotten about the party that was happening tonight. Usually he was so on top of this stuff, mostly because he liked being aware of what was going to pull him deeper, but apparently his sinking had caused everything but himself, Adam, and his substances to go black. He peeled his body from his bed, feeling as though his limbs weighed a ton. He buzzed Hanna in and when she walked in, she gave him a big hug. He hugged back, holding on a little longer and a little tighter than he had before. When she pulled away, there was a sad smile on her face which made Matteo feel so terrible.

“How’re you?” Matteo asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“I’m okay, stressed, but okay.” Hanna moved into the living room and Matteo drifted, following slowly after her. “How’re you?”

“Been better.”

“Do you need to talk?”

Matteo just shook his head and fell onto the couch next to her. Hanna didn’t look at him, or pry, that was never her deal. She knew Matteo’s boundaries, even though she always wanted to ask questions, she never did. Matteo could read it on her face, everything going on in her mind about him. He wished he could tell her everything, they used to be able to tell each other everything. Then her and Jonas broke up, which Matteo played a large role in, and they lost touch. They fell out, not because of a fight, but because Matteo had been nasty and hurt the two people he cared about the most after his mom. Without prompting, Hanna turned on some music from her phone. It was distant and didn’t sound good from the phone speakers, but it broke the uncomfortable silence. It sounded familiar but Matteo couldn’t place it in his fog.

“What song is this?” He asked, though it didn’t really come out as a question. His voice was flat, devoid of life.

“Uh, du bist anders,” she said, showing him the album art. It was a song that Adam had sent him. It filled his heart with salt water. This past week was bad. His lungs had been leaking, spilling thick, heavy water into the rest of his body. “Just been on my mind a lot lately.”

“Do _you_ need to talk?”

“Are you up for talking about anything?” Hanna asked, uncertainty to her own voice. They were walking on paper thin ice with each other. One wrong thing and everything might break, pulling them both under. Matteo shook his head again. He gestured for the pillow that was next to Hanna and she handed it to him. He held it close to his chest and buried his face in it. “Are you going to be okay for the party?” Matteo just shrugged. He didn’t know if he was going to be okay for anything for a while if he was being honest with himself. He wouldn’t make Hans cancel the party, that’d be shitty of him to do, and he wasn’t going to hide in his room the whole time because he knew he would eventually be dragged out by the guilt.

“Hanna?” His voice cracked, he hadn’t spoken louder than a whisper in days.

“Yeah, Matteo?”

“I’m gay.”

There was silence. Silence that Matteo wished would crush him. “Oh.”

“You can’t tell anyone though, only Hans and Jonas know. It’s my thing to tell, and like, I’m ready but I have to be the one to tell people.”

“I won’t, I promise.” Hanna nodded, she had the kindest smile, she had moved closer but didn’t make any moves to touch Matteo.

“Are you surprised?”

“No.”

“So you knew?”

“No.”

“But you’re not surprised.”

“Do you want me to be surprised?”

“I don’t know.” Matteo wasn’t sure how to feel. He was glad that Hanna had reacted the way she had though. She had been so good to him always, even though Matteo was quite possibly the worst person to her. Okay, second worst after Leonie.

“Okay. Well, I love you. So…”

“Love you too.”

Matteo still felt so heavy. He felt like he was stuck at the bottom of the ocean, he was nowhere near the surface and he was starting to believe that no matter what he did he would always be here. He stood up from the couch and reached out for Hanna’s hand, which she gave him. He squeezed it tightly before kneeling down next to her and giving her a tight, lung crushing hug. He didn’t know what else to do. He had been so lost in his own shit that he didn’t know how to interact with anyone anymore. He had to get better, but he just… Didn’t know how. Eventually, after what felt like years, Matteo pulled away from the hug.

“I’m going to go lay down, let me know when the party starts, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

The party had started and Matteo was tucked into the couch between Linn and Hanna. He had allowed them to be close, they were the only people Matteo felt comfortable with being that close with right now. He rested his head on Hanna’s shoulder, letting her put an arm around him. He had a couple drinks, maybe more, he had definitely smoked before coming into the living room. He was dizzy, he felt like he was going to cry. The music was overwhelming, there were too many people, he just wanted to hide in his room and drown out the sound with his own music. He watched his friends have a good time, he felt bad that he was keeping Hanna from it all. He shifted himself, pulling himself off the couch, taking Hanna’s hands carefully and pulling her up with him.

“Are you okay?”

“No, but you should have fun.” He had a lazy smile, it wasn’t genuine. They danced together for a little while before Hanna was pulled away by Jonas. He looked at the two confused, shaking his head, unsure of what was happening anymore. Though, he had never really been sure.

Matteo made his way into the kitchen, having to push by groups of people just to be able to grab a beer. He finally snagged one from the fridge and leaned back against the door. He just wanted to hide himself in his room. He could feel his heart rate pick up, his thoughts were moving quicker despite everything that was in his system. His gaze flicked across the kitchen. There were people he didn’t recognize, there were people he did. Leonie and Sara were giggling off on the balcony, leaning against each other while they nursed bottles of wine. He saw one of Hans’ ex-flings preparing a shot for himself and another guy. At the kitchen table he thought he saw David and Turtleneck Boy? He rubbed his eyes, trying to convince himself that is _not_ what he saw but… That’s definitely who was right there. He sighed and let his head fall, trying not to be obvious about how he watched them.

Turtleneck Boy was showing David something on his phone, talking animatedly about whatever it was, David smiling and nodding along. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, he wished he could move closer and hear everything. He wanted to know. They were the only two people that Adam could possibly be, in Matteo’s mind at least, and here they were talking to each other. Matteo tilted his bottle up, dumping whatever was left into his body without care. He turned around, grabbing another from the fridge before leaning against it once more. His eyes focused on David. His smile could light up the night sky, Matteo had decided. He heard David laugh which just caused Matteo’s heart to sink, he wished he could make him laugh like that.

How unfair was it that those two were talking? What Matteo wouldn’t give to be able to talk to them, or at least, to talk to David. He just wanted to be open, to say he was in love, he wanted to utter the words. But how could he even be sure? He hadn’t talked to Adam in a whole week, he had asked for space and Matteo had no choice but to give it to him.

David looked up from Turtleneck Boy’s phone, locking eyes with Matteo. He could feel David’s eyes boring into him, he wanted to hide. He wanted to disappear. But there wasn’t anything prying behind David’s gaze. There was concern and tenderness that no one had ever looked at Matteo with before. It filled him with guilt, no one had to care about him, he wasn’t anything important to care about. He was just… Matteo. Just a lonely, sad boy that drifted through life without purpose. David deserved to be around someone who was more, someone who was full of life and love and light, someone who could put just as much in as Matteo imagined David could.

A loud cheer came from the living room, causing Matteo to be pulled out of his head. He poked his head out around the corner to find a full on… Dance battle? Whatever, dance off adjacent activity going on in the center of the room. Everything had been pushed up against the walls quickly. He wasn’t quite sure how long he had actually been tuned out now. As he watched, Hans made eye contact with him. He practically leaped at Matteo and dragged him into the center.

“C’mon, dance, my butterfly!” Hans exclaimed as he took Matteo’s hands and loosely moved him about like a puppet, body willing to do anything but mentally feeling nothing. Another one of Hans’ friends took Matteo’s hands from Hans and started to puppet him similarly, he went from feeling nothing to feeling _everything_ in seconds. Everything muscle in Matteo’s body had tensed, the music sounded muffled, his whole body was burning as though he was on fire.

“Don’t touch me!” He snapped, as he ripped his hands away from the stranger. Matteo pushed through the crowd, heading straight to the door. He grabbed his jacket, or at least what he thought was his jacket and left. He started walking. Adam said walking had helped, and it had sometimes. But right now Matteo just felt jumpy and tense and like he wanted to run away from the world. He couldn’t hide in his apartment, they would just pester him to come out. He didn’t have anywhere else to go though, all of his friends were at the party. He was alone under water.

Matteo sat down on the sidewalk cross-legged, letting his head fall into his hands. He ran his hands through his hair, he was trying to ground himself, anything to make him feel like he was real and there. Present, in this moment, despite the panic running through his body. He didn’t know why this had happened, he could usually pinpoint the feeling behind a panic attack.

There was so much that he had been feeling the last week, most of it had been anxiety and dread. His thoughts weren’t clear, just jumbled, messy, stumbling, fast moving. He tried to focus on his breathing, he could feel his body shake as he made an effort to breathe in and out, in and out, in and out. It was so hard, he couldn’t stop shaking, he had to put so much work into getting his body to let him breathe. Out of the corner of his eye, Matteo thought he noticed someone sit down next to him, but he just assumed it was his mind playing tricks on him. He wanted to see anything right now, he wanted to have someone, to not be alone. There was prolonged quiet as Matteo worked to get his breathing back to normal.

Soft music started playing from somewhere, it sounded acoustic and distant, like it was coming from a phone. Cool, he was hallucinating now, that’s exactly what he needed on top of this.

 

_I knew when you told me you don’t want to go home tonight,_

_And you tried to just shrug it off when I asked ‘why?’_

_Somebody hurt you, somebody hurt you,_

_But you’re here by my side._

 

“Do you need anything?” A familiar voice asked. It was soft, honey sounding. “I saw you leave…” Matteo’s head bolted up and he was met with David’s deep, dark brown eyes. The ones that looked at him with concern and tenderness he had never known.

“Everything just feels so fucked right now,” he sighed heavily. Matteo’s fingers knotted into the end of his jacket repeatedly, squeezing painfully until his knuckles turned white, letting go, and repeating. Anything to prove to himself that this was real, that David was here, that Matteo wasn’t dreaming.

“You look good today,” David said, setting his hand down on the pavement near Matteo.

He drew in a shaky breath, looking down at David’s hand before setting his own next to it. Not on top, or around it, just next to David’s hand. Their pinky fingers just barely touching. He focused on the words from the song. He hadn’t heard it before, but it held the same feeling that every song Adam had sent to Matteo had. The lyrics were safe, they protected Matteo from the world around him. The only thing that mattered right now was David and the fact that he was here. David was _here_.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m busy trying to not fall in love with someone that doesn’t exist.”

 

_And I knew, because I can recall when I was the one in your seat,_

_I still got scars and they occasionally bleed._

_Cause somebody hurt me, somebody hurt me,_

_But I’m staying alive_

 

David brushed his pinky finger against Matteo’s and he swore he felt light rush through his body. He looked down at where their hands touched and he could see the bruises still there from the week before when he had punched something he didn’t remember punching. “Well,” David took a deep breath, “we could go somewhere.”

“Where would we go?” Matteo asked, biting his lip. He had no idea what was on David’s mind right now, he would give anything to have a single look inside his head.

“Anywhere.” There was quiet, not silence for once. There were cars rushing by in the distance, music from David’s phone playing a song that filled Matteo with hope he never knew he could have, and there was David’s soft breathing right beside him. David stood up slowly, offering his hand to Matteo. “Let’s run away.” Matteo took David’s hand, holding it tightly as he stood up. They didn’t let go as they started walk down the street, music still spilling slowly and gently, filling Matteo to the brim with air he didn’t know he could breathe. David’s hand was warm in Matteo’s, not in the gross way when his palms would get sweaty and he might want to pull away. His palms were gross and sweaty, but David’s touch was grounding.

They walk for a while in silence, Matteo figures out the song is on a loop because it just keeps playing and playing, like David doesn’t want to share anything else with him in the moment. Matteo feels bad that David thinks he has to protect him, he wants to show him that he can also be there too but has no clue how he can show that, especially in his chaotic mental state. They finally find a park and Matteo climbs up the slide like a child might, sitting on one of the platforms. David starts climbing the skeleton of the mental structure, causing Matteo’s breath to catch in his throat. Of course he would do that, of course he would just start climbing, being dumb and athletic and cute. The music never stopped, even as David sat down next to Matteo.

“What happened back there?” David asked, almost nervously.

“I don’t know. I’m just… Drowning all the time and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m stuck here at the bottom.” Matteo shook his head, leaning back on his hands, staring up into the nights sky. He wondered if space felt just as empty as the ocean did.

“Yeah, I get that. I feel the same way a lot, like I can’t breathe, there’s too much saltwater in my lungs.”

Matteo looked over at him, a little confused. He just accepted the idea so willingly and casually. Like he had this conversation before.

“Why’d you put on this song?”

“It’s… It’s something I wanted to share with someone, but I’ve been scared.”

“Cool.” Matteo nodded slowly, “how long have you felt like you’ve had that drowning feeling?”

“My whole life.” David just laughed, letting his head fall back as he did. Matteo watched, taking in every detail of David’s face. God, he was… Amazing. His smile was beautiful, big and happy and gummy. His cheeks were pink from the chilly night. He was lit by the streetlamps and moonlight, giving him a gentle warm glow. “I’m just waiting for that something to bring me back up at this point.”

“I am too.”

 

_And right now, it’s like you’re carrying all the weight of your past_

_I can see all your bruises yellow, dark blue, and black_

_But baby your bruises are only your body_

_Trying to keep you intact_

 

“Matteo?”

“Yeah, David?”

“Do you ever have something really big you want to say but you’re too afraid to say it?”

“Always.” Matteo shifted his body so he was facing David now. He wanted to take in every detail of his face, he was no artist but he was attentive. He could figure people out by paying attention to them. He watched David as his eyes fluttered shut and he took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly through his nose. “I have to try harder to be me, and that sucks.”

“In what way?” Matteo prompted, giving David’s arm a gentle punch with a loosely closed fist.

“I don’t really want to go into details.”

“Alright, I understand.”

“Do you want to keep walking?”

Matteo nodded and stood up, offering his hand to David. There was something about David that was so deeply familiar but mysterious. As David took his hand, he felt the light spread through his body again, he felt like he was floating. They continued to walk, holding hands. Matteo swung their hands a little as they walked, letting David lead the way, he seemed like he knew where he was going. Eventually they arrived at a gate, David looked over to him and grinned. He let go of Matteo’s hand and climbed over the fence. He looked back expectantly, waiting for Matteo to follow. David tilted his head slightly, prompting, his face read ‘c’mon, don’t flake on me now’.

Honestly, he wasn’t athletic, and he figured that David already knew that. He grabbed the top of the bars and hauled himself up, struggling to pull his weight up in the first place. God, he really wasn’t fit at all. He made it over and landed on the ground with a harsh thud. The sky had shifted from black to a dark blue, signalling morning was coming soon. David and Matteo walked down a winding path, hands bumping against each other every so often, fingers briefly tangling before David would get distracted and pick something up off the ground.

David led Matteo through a basement window, they wandered through this abandoned building. It was old, falling apart, Matteo felt chills running down his spine as he watched the sunlight begin to peak in through the cracks in the structure. They came to a large, empty pool and Matteo followed as David walked down to the bottom. He whistled softly, the tune of the song David had been playing before, realizing it had been turned off long ago. David laughed and smiled big. Matteo felt his heart skip a beat.

“Why’d you take me here?”

“I knew a place,” David shrugged, still smiling, gums showing. It was a beautiful smile and Matteo would do anything to see more of it. David turned away and walked down the lanes of the pool. Matteo followed, running his hand along the pool lines above them. David turned back to Matteo, causing him to stop in his tracks a couple feet away. “Y’know, we’re actually underwater right now.” David stepped forward, closing the distance between them just a little bit. Matteo moved his hands in a swimming motion as he stepped closer to him. David laughed again. “That means we can’t breathe…”

“Not an unfamiliar feeling then,” Matteo laughed as well, though his laugh had a bitter edge to it. He watched as David circled around him, getting closer and closer before walking away again. He sighed.

“I figured,” David paused briefly. “What did you mean you were falling in love with someone that didn’t exist?”

Matteo wished he was leaning up against the pool wall for support, he didn’t know how to talk about this, especially when the person he was _so sure_ that he was in love with was David. “Well, there’s this guy,” Matteo started slowly. “He’s so cool and I don’t think he knows how cool he is. He sends me music. He makes me feel I can breathe.” He looked over to David, trying to read his face. Searching for any clues. “He told me about a movie and then I made my friends watch it. And he just makes me believe I could be loved.” Matteo was really laying it all out and he couldn’t believe he was doing that, he was risking so much.

David walked up to Matteo and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. It looked like there was something he wanted to say but he was holding himself back. “He sounds really cool,” he said, smiling slightly. “I think I know what you mean. There’s this boy…” Matteo inhaled sharply and stared at David. “He’s really good with computers apparently, he sends me really dumb YouTube videos about video games. He’s… So sad but so full of love and hope, he sends me music. He makes me feel like I can breathe.” Matteo squeezed David’s hand tightly, sure that he might’ve crushed it if he had any bit of strength.

The words were there but Matteo didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to say ‘ _I know it’s you, I know you know it’s me too._ ’ They stood there, staring into each other’s eyes, David pulled him close and leaned his forehead against Matteo’s. There was so much that Matteo wanted to say to David, he couldn’t believe that he was right, he wanted to kiss him, to tell him that he was amazing and he couldn’t believe that it had been him this whole time. But there was so much they had to talk about too.

“Do… You want to go back to my place?” Matteo asked in barely a whisper.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” David squeezed Matteo’s hand gently, giving his arm a tug. Matteo knew a place too.

 

* * *

 

When Matteo woke up it was 15:34, David was tangled around him, and he felt warm. He didn’t really know what to do with himself. He could tell David was still asleep by the soft snoring that came from right behind his ear. His head was groggy and he was a little anxious because he had never had this sort of closeness with anyone. Matteo carefully turned around so he was looking at David now, studying every detail of his face. His cheeks were always pink, his hair always messy in a way that looked purposeful even when he slept. He brought up his hand carefully, slowly, and traced the outline of his jaw gently with the pad of his thumb. David’s eyes fluttered open, filling Matteo with immediate regret. He didn’t want to disturb his sleep, though admittedly part of the reason was because he had wanted to keep watch him sleeping.

“Hey,” Matteo whispered. He kept his thumb on his cheek, tracing gentle patterns into his skin.

“Hi,” David whispered back, his voice thick with sleep. He brought his own hand up, placing it gently over Matteo’s. “Did you sleep well?”

“Extremely.”

They were so close right now, Matteo could have kissed him again. He wasn’t going too, but he could have. David’s thumb rubbed against Matteo’s hand, sending sparks through his body. He had never felt anything like this before. He thought maybe he would have butterflies when a boy touched him like this, nervousness and anxiety being so close to someone but instead he just felt overwhelmed with light.

“How did you sleep?” Matteo asked softly.

“Really good,” David mumbled, leaning his forehead against Matteo’s. “Are you feeling better? Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Matteo gave a little shrug, bumping their noses together unintentionally. “I guess. I’m just overwhelmed, there… Was a person. That I was talking too. And we haven’t talked in a while and I guess I just got in my head about it all. And then Hans’ friend grabbed me and my brain just… Lost it. I wish it didn’t happen like that.”

“Where would you have gone?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Are you okay?”

“Right now? Yes.” A smile cracked on David’s face, Matteo had decided that it was the most beautiful smile that he had ever seen. He had seen it so many times already but Matteo had decided then, it was certainly the best smile to exist. “I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.”

“I don’t either.”

Matteo could have stayed like that forever, staring into David’s eyes and being that close with him, he wanted to be held by him and hold him. He never wanted this moment to end. Something in the bed vibrated, pulling them out of their bubble. Matteo knew it wasn’t his phone because he had left it in the apartment, somewhere. David untangled himself from Matteo, pushing himself so he was sitting up in the bed. Matteo sat up as well and leaned into him, wrapping his arms around David’s waist from behind. He leaned into him, resting his cheek against his shoulder. David fished his phone out of the covers and answered the call.

“Hello?” A pause. “Yeah, yeah, sorry I’ll come home now. I’m sorry, Laura.” Another pause. “I promise I’m safe, I didn’t get hurt or anything.” Another. “Okay, I’ll see you soon.” David dropped his phone into his lap and leaned back into Matteo’s arms. He let his eyes close and he took a deep breath, Matteo could feel it against his chest. “I have to go home, my sister is worried about me.”

Matteo let out a groan of protest, wrapping his arms around him tighter. “Okay. Can you stay a couple more minutes?”

“Only a few.”

They sat there with Matteo wrapped around David. “Can we do this again soon?”

David nodded slowly as he pulled away, there was a look of pain on his face as he did so. He didn’t want to leave just as much as Matteo didn’t want him too.

“Yeah, I… Soon. I promise, Matteo.”

“Okay.”

“There’s a place that I want to take you, I think.”

“Like the song?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled softly. He lifted his jacket from the floor and pulled it on. Matteo moved to the edge of the bed carefully before standing up, taking one of David’s hands in his own.

“We’ll talk soon.”

“We will.”

David gave Matteo’s hand a squeeze before pulling him into a hug, holding him tightly. Matteo’s breath drew in sharply and he hugged David bag just as tightly. They parted slightly and Matteo bumped his forehead against David’s. Matteo leaned forward and bumped his nose against David’s, eliciting a soft laugh from the boy.

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

And with that, David was gone. Matteo fell back into his bed with a thud and stared up at his ceiling. He heard a _buzz_ come from his nightstand. That’s where his phone was, huh. He grabbed it, seeing so many notifications. Texts of concern and worry and telling him to let people know if he was okay. There was one text at the top of his notifications though.

 

**David**

_I know a place we can go, Luigi._

**Author's Note:**

> i would just like to say a big big biiig thank you to lily for reading this over and letting me know that this was good and made sense within the progression of the story, it means the world to me that she helped me out with this.
> 
> let me know what y'all think !!! comments and kudos are deeply appreciated <3 <3
> 
> as always, y'all can follow me on tumblr @filmictrans


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